Wait, define wonderful. Ha.
I am taking a moment during my first few minutes of my day, first day of the week, to reflect on a few things. I did just have a super nice weekend. How can you not enjoy yourself in a full day on the lake? In the sun, with friends, music, and your son. On a boat. And with boyfriend.
It was really nice, right up until we all walked into the front door of my little corner of the world. Gosh, I love my apartment! He (the BF) was super irritable, apparently. Tired, mainly. I was surprised he agreed to stay over in the first place, because with his work and all. But it was his idea. I was surprised and glad. And having been such a long day in the first place. Just as I was starting to think that this was the first day that we made it all the way through with no exchange of words, or arguing, or nothing. But I was wrong. C was already in the other room after we walked in, behind closed doors, head phones on, screen bright. Glued. (He has not played a single video game in the last 2400 hours. That is what it feels like to him anyway.)
I just mean that Cayden cannot hear our conversation on the other side of the door. He can not even hear it when Mark gets louder, and right up until he leaves. I asked Mark to leave, by the way. I told him to. That was it. And I really am tired, too. I’m tired of taking the blame. I am tired of being talked to the way that I am talked to. I don’t wish that on anybody.
It’s not worth it people. And I still haven’t put my finger on it exactly. I have not put my finger on exactly what it is that he is. He is not a monster, people. He’s an asshole. He’s a charismatic asshole who has some lasting relationships and good friends, even. I am not always great with my words. I lose every battle, every time. I can’t over talk him. I can’t get a word in sometimes, either. His stupid lectures, I won’t miss those. I won’t miss being told that I have to be lectured. Sometimes for an hour, sometimes for 2 or 3. He tells me how he does it. He has to break me down, and make me feel bad about myself, so that he can be the one to bring me back up?
It’s kinda sick. It definitely makes me sick. Heart sick. I can’t believe people like this actually get married to one another. And recreate! I am thanking God right now. I am thanking him for this life lesson. And for this whole last 15 months! I am thanking my lucky stars we never thought we should try and make a baby!!
I have been doing some serious soul searching this last year. I even started and stopped going to counseling. (Expensive weekly co-pays!) I am going to have to go back, that’s the plan. Not yet though.
Sometimes I don’t get it. Especially when I look at married couples. I am not trying to judge. I just don’t understand. I hope you are not in an unhealthy relationship right now. Or marriage. I hope you make better choices in your relationship than I did in mine. If you are not happy, I hope you are doing something about it. I hope that it is worth it. I hope your relationship is worth not being happy, because of the kids, or whatever. Or whatever. I hope.
So. It was a kind-of, wonderfully nice weekend. Almost. Thank God it’s now one in the books! The weekend with my now ex-boyfriend, I mean. Both of these things. “In the books,” derives from the meaning that when something is done, or in the books, it is officially done and over. So, both this weekend and my relationship are both officially over. Thanking HIm! And trusting in Him.